I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
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