I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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