i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Randomize
