Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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