I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
