it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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