i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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