My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
