so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
