pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
