Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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