He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
