Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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