Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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