Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
