I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
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