i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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