so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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