I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Randomize
