$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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