i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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