can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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