if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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