Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
Randomize