the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
