is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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