i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
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