My boss' voice literally gives me gas
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
