No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
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