Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
