ps i'm pretty sure i was blacked out when we hooked up? good thing i was w. you and not an actual diddler or an organ harvester
Hahaha. Shut up you were blacked out my ass. U were str8 mixin it up with urs truly like it was ur J-O-B
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize
