I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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