i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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