Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize