If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
