I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
