You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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