I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
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