Just fell off a train. Bad.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
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