My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
