she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Randomize
