Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Randomize
