We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
My sheets look like a crime scene.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I think people are normalizing furries
Randomize
