You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize