He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
