i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
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