so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Randomize