i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
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