I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
