I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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