can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Randomize
