he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Randomize
