1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
