So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
