I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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