I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
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