I think I died a long time ago.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
