At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Randomize
